I am a revert to Islam, Alhamdulillah, I am married with two sons (6yrs and 4months old, Alhamdulillah). My husband is Muslim born and raised. I have found out through his phone texts that he’s been socializing with other women, Muslim and non-Muslim, calling them babes in his text and apparently helping one with a baby whose husband has left her.
When I confronted him he told me its only talks. He doesn’t want to admit there is something wrong with that. What is painful for me is the fact that he knows its wrong but doesn’t want to stop this behavior. He keeps telling me he’s not doing it but his texts are clear that he is in contact with these women.
I am European and had male friends before I became Muslim, he asks me to choose them or him, Alhamdulillah I have left those days behind and now I know I’m not going back for the sake of Allah. I do not understand men like my husband who are helping other women(particular story about this wife of his friend who chats to him in txt messages implying to come over to help her and him answering he is there for her read to listen and help.)and at the same time being married and not talking to his wife when she has problem and denying anything wrong is going on his behalf. In one way he knows what’s wrong because he wouldn’t want me to behave that way but at the same time he is acting that way.so European way of life is good when it suits him. I am totally disappointed in him as a Muslim person and am praying istihara prayers as only Allah can guide me, but I’m also asking you for help as what can I do?
I feel bad for my sons to separate and don’t want them to live without a father but also what examples is he giving them?
I tried talking to him, he said he is sorry and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I tried over the years to forgive him and every time he is sorry then it happens again. I’ve tried telling him to leave me if he can’t stop, as I don’t want to be mocked(I know some of his friends that know his behavior and I feel even more humiliated as a Muslim and his wife).but he says :” I haven’t done anything!”
I don’t know what do to. I have also tried leaving him open pages on laptop about Islamic subjects but he doesn’t discuss it if he read it or not. I pray for guidance for both of us but don’t know what to do to protect my sons and myself from his bad behavior. He is also not giving me my marital rights (intimacy).when I ask why he replies he doesn’t know.
I am so sorry for long letter, it’s hard to explain the situation, please forgive for detailed email.
What would you advice me to do please?
May Allah bless you and guides us all, inshaAllah.
Answered by Ustadha Umm Yusuf Abdul Sattar
Verified by Mufti Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf
Assalamu Alaykum. Jazak’Allah for your question. We pray that this reaches you in the best of faith. Given the situation you have presented, we strongly recommend that you and your husband seek marriage counseling.
As you begin that process, keep the following suggestions in mind:
- Gently remind your husband that the foundation of any successful relationship is Qur’an and hadith. They set the functional parameters for us in each and every action. In this regard, the verses of the Qur’an admonish that it is impermissible for a man or woman to engage in any type of friendship/relationship, other than marriage, with a member of the opposite sex.
- Try and improve the lines of communication. Rather than approaching your husband with recrimination, work to actively engage him within your family and marriage. Perhaps you and your husband could sign up for classes at your local masjid. Or try scheduling regular Islamic activities as a family. Again, motivating your husband to re-center his life on Islam will help him turn toward the good and leave the wrong.
- Don’t rush toward separation or divorce. Be patient with your husband and as difficult as it may seem, avoid arguments as they only lead to more anger and frustration.
- Most importantly, turn to Allah, the most Exalted, with humility and yearning. Be sincere and steadfast in your obligatory worship and engage yourself in as much nafl worship as you can. The prophetic example in times of distress is to engage in nafl prayer.
Please do take our suggestion to engage in counseling. Alhamdulillah, we have found that when couples work with a qualified counselor, they are able to make significant headway in their relationships. If after some time, none of these steps prove useful and your husband continues to ignore your marital rights, you should approach a qualified Shariah panel to intervene.
And Allah knows best.
Ustadha Umm Yusuf Abdul Sattar